• Sections

    • Oct

    28

    Past Tense: Piano Bench

    Filed Under from the heart, love 

    I sat on the piano bench with my hands on his shoulders, and asked my father not to leave. “Why do you have to go?” I said. “You don’t have to go.” He took my hands in his and said not to worry; he would be back soon - he wouldn’t miss my birthday. But he never came back.

    I refused to believe that this had any significant effect on me, but last night I became aware that I’d been living in that 24 year old moment, still sitting on the piano bench. But instead of asking people not to leave, I’ve been silent, believing that maybe if I don’t say anything at all, they will stay. If I don’t try to bridge the widening gap with entreaties, they will feel the lack and it will give them pause, and they will come back to me. I reached out to someone once, pleaded with someone once, and he left anyway. I’ve spent all these years keeping my hands to myself.

    It took “losing” my brother to make me understand that things do happen through inaction; that when you let your ties to another person come undone, you are lucky to find them again. Relationships are sustained by constant engagement, not by chance. I couldn’t continue to be passive.

    So over the last 18 months I have been learning how to hold on to people. And it seemed that maybe I wasn’t even at the piano bench anymore; that the piano bench was gone, and I was traveling with people I care about, alternating leadership. Yes, I often hang back, waiting for encouragement or a second invitation, but my family and friends know I have taken many steps to be closer to them. The distant past was unimportant.

    Last night, however, there was no doubt; I felt the heaviness of the past pressing me down. The one time - the first time – in my whole life that I think I might love someone and be ready to love them, I am back on the bench (!), staring at my hands in my lap, not speaking a word, and telling myself that if I just don’t make any sudden moves, he will understand and say, “Hey. I’m not going anywhere.”

    (photo: me in 2005)

    Share This

    Popularity: 11% [?]

    Comments

    2 Responses to “Past Tense: Piano Bench”

    1. PeaceBang on October 29th, 2005 7:51 pm

      oh, oh, oh. {{{heart squeezing}}}

    2. Tamara on November 2nd, 2005 8:09 pm

      WOW. Just the fact that you have made the connection will loosen the tie that binds you. I am moved by your story, your words, your strength.

    Leave a Reply




    Close
    E-mail It
    visitors since June 16, 2007