Three Days of Jesus, and the word "God"

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What does it mean for this agnostic to use the word, “God?”

Ever since attending the three-day convocation for the retiring Rev. Dr. Hector Lopez of the United Church of Christ, I’ve been infused with an extra dose of religious feeling. I’ve been using “language of reverence” for several weeks now, including masha Allah (God did will it), alhamdulillah (praise be to God) and even insha Allah (if God wills it). A few times I’ve caught myself almost concluding conversations with, “And God is the Knower of All Things,” a common expression in the Qur’an.

It’s curious to me to find these words on the tip of my tongue almost every day, especially when my agnosticism is at its strongest.

During the three days of the convocation - an opportunity that Rev. Lopez used to hold a conference on Racial Justice - I was the only Unitarian Universalist present. Not knowing anyone there, I sang along with songs about Jesus, and listened to sermons about Jesus and the God of the Bible. I enjoyed all of this within the UCC and people of color context. Throughout the first day I looked around at the people standing in the room and asked myself if I could be a Christian. Could I accept that Jesus died for my sins? That he was sent by God? I considered this carefully and went to sleep with the question in my heart.

The following two days I learned much about the history of race relations within the UCC, and greatly appreciated the multicultural worships, music and performances. But more than any of this, I was grateful to meet the Rev. Dr. Dorsey Blake, senior minister at the Church for the Fellowship of All Peoples in San Francisco. I had never heard of him before, but when he spoke, I was riveted. I could have spent three days listening just to him, but he only had about 40 minutes. I went to the library on the second day and borrowed a collection of Howard Thurman’s writings and began reading it. Rev. Blake, who is not a member of the UCC, was the highlight of the event for me. For the first time in my life, I wanted to say to someone, “Will you teach me?”

Not wanting to be (or be thought of as) insane, I did not. I returned to thoughts of Jesus; maybe Jesus could be my teacher. On the bus ride home I sat with my head against the window, looking out at the rain. Was it possible that Jesus loved me? Just the thought of it softened my heart, and I did cry a little.

At the end of the last, long day of the convocation, I watched the Samoan youth from a local congregation dancing, and I thought to myself, how wonderful it would be to be a part of this, to say that these people here are my family. Then I thought of my UU family and it occurred to me that there was little difference. People go home to their respective places and that is where they are themselves. Jesus and racial justice had brought this particular group of people together, but they were not the only ones doing this work. My family was all those I chose to love.

At Thanksgiving dinner, my Catholic grandmother asked me, out of the blue, “Why don’t you join a Black Baptist Church, or the Methodists!” I glanced at my Muslim mother, with what was probably a startled expression on my face. I think my grandmother wants me to be saved. She frets about many things; as a Catholic of 70+ years, it makes sense that she would fret about me going to Hell, even if she has never said so to me. After all, I used to worry about her going to Hell when I was Muslim, and I never said anything, either.

I love my grandmother, and my good news for her is that neither of us is going to Hell. I wish I could alleviate her fears by taking communion or being baptized, but this would be false. I have no particular love for Jesus, anymore than Christians have a particular love for the Prophet Muhammad. As it stands, I possess, in this moment, a particular love for all the good people who have come into my life.

I am thankful. I want to thank God for everything. When I say thank God, I am not speaking of Jesus or Allah. I am thinking of Fortune, the Spirit of Life, the mysterious workings of the universe. “May randomness favor you,” I might as well say. “I hope that Life is sweet to you,” I sometimes write to friends. “If Fortune smiles upon us, our paths will cross again.” “May the peace of God settle over you.” All of these are well wishes, from one person to another. Good will. Fellowship. We recognize life’s countless uncertainties. We want good things for one another.

I do not believe in a seated God who decides what will happen to you. But it’s possible that Life fulfills our needs sometimes when we have our hands outstretched, and that we are spirits that never die. God is to me the magnificent infinity, both terrible and beautiful - all the possibilities of the future and every known and unknown comprehension of the past. God is the way of the universe, wherever it goes.

Knowing myself as I do, I bear witness to the fact that I want more for you now, and have more faith in you now, than I did several years ago when I worshipped God. Nothing has been taken away from us. If one day I should believe in God again, what would change?

(photo by HSA, San Pedro Guatemala, 2005)

Comments

6 Responses to “Three Days of Jesus, and the word "God"”

Stephen on November 28th, 2005 6:27 am

Hafidha, you’re open and honset engagement and spiritual searching is a constant inspiration to me. God bless you.
Clyde Grubbs on November 28th, 2005 5:13 pm

Beautiful reflection, Hafidha.

The wonder of Unitarian Universalism is that we can be open to the insights and power of those great human creations — the world religions — as ways of expressing transcendence and meaning.

Jesus was a spirit filled person…and “he” is present when ever the spirit fills people with justice, courage and love.
LaReinaCobre on November 29th, 2005 2:11 am

Thank you, Stephen. The feeling is definitely mutual.

Clyde, I feel very fortunate to have found UUism.

I do need to learn more about Jesus. I get bits and pieces from different places, but have never done serious study. He is not a focal point for me, but he is important in this and many other cultures.
PeaceBang on November 29th, 2005 8:22 pm

Thank you for this post,Hafidha.

I said to a group of women in my church recently that I’m still not sure what I believe about God, or whether I entirely believe in God, but that I am very clear that Jesus is my teacher and spiritual master, and that I deeply believe that HE believed in a God I would like to believe in.

I generally have a very humanistic, ancestor-centered sense of the the Holy One, but when I need to focus my ministry, my mind, my commitments and my heart, I go stick my nose in the Bible. I want to believe in the God we can pray to as a parent. And I’m grateful for the theologians in our Unitarian and Universalist past who do not require me to believe that Jesus died for my sins.
Wally Nut on December 2nd, 2005 9:09 am

Thank you Hafidha for your reflections. You have inspired me to write a little about the issue of belief and practice.
David on December 2nd, 2005 6:29 pm

Just as Christians can be nurtured by Jewish wisdom while not claiming the Jewish name, so too can someone be nurtured by Christian wisdom (Jesus) and not claim the Christian name. Great thoughts. Thanks for sharing them.