Some Post-GA Thoughts

I got a lot out of my GA experience this year. I was able to meet many people, deepen relationships, learn much about myself and this movement, and experience a wide range of emotions. One of my standing goals for self-development has been to allow myself to feel more in my heart - to feel sadness and happiness, anger and grief, and other things that seem to come so naturally to other people. Over the last ten months I’ve been making great strides in this area. I cried at least three times during GA and I laughed much, and I let myself feel frustrated with some people who were getting on my nerves. It felt good. It felt good to let the tears out, to vent a few times, to just be with people who were feeling strong emotions. I’ve definitely been able to explore my emotional life within the UU community, and for this I am grateful.

I practiced a lot of self care - I never let myself get too exhausted (except for the night I was up till 7:30 am, which could not be helped). I always made time - 30 minutes to an hour - every day to be by myself. I usually took lunch alone and ate it in silence, with no music or books to keep me occupied. It was just a time to reflect and even have no reflection - no nothing. Just silence and unencroached space. This all resulted in me staying healthy, mostly rested, able to engage with people - even strangers! and really enjoying myself pretty much every step of the way.

Some not-so-good things happened with several friendships, and I’m not sure what the next phases will be. On the other hand, I was able to express my (platonic) affection with others more openly than I ever have in my life. I spent more time with some powerful women in our faith community - women who are powerful not by virtue of how well known they are, but by their faith and perserverance and the way they embrace others. I saw so many potential mentors; I did cry to think about it, but they were happy tears.

I got to meet many of the bloggers I read: Philocrites, Peacebang, ChaliceChick, her Linguist Friend, Errant Frogs, Progressive Church Planter, Lo-Fi Tribe and others. I spent some one-on-one time with Reverend Clyde, who was very kind to me.

I faced off with a very rude and dominating man and was not intimidated by him; I wanted to talk to him more and understand what he was saying, but he ended our conversation by shouting that one day I would understand. Not helpful, but it was his choice to end this way. I spoke at plenary, which I’d forgotten I was going to do. At first I was afraid when I saw the Jumbo-tron screens and thousands of people, but just as I approached the microphone I thought, “I am not that important; I will try to convey what it is in my heart -in less than 60 seconds - and nothing else really matters.” I felt the same way during the Special Review Commission workshop. I didn’t get to say some of the most serious things in my heart (it always takes me a while to warm up when speaking), but I don’t think I embarrassed myself.

On the way to the conference I read several articles in the latest issue of Shambhala Sun, a Buddhist publication, and was reminded that being self-conscious is not the way to be at all. In fact, it hinders me from being. It hinders me from becoming.

I had my awkward moments, as usual, but I cared less and less about them. Life moves so quickly. I went to the Hokiah Mounds interpretative center with several other people of color on Sunday and it was such a good thing to do. A good thing to get away from the terribly cold air conditioning, the convention center, the hotel, the nametags, the loudspeakers and the microphones, and to be outside and try to imagine another time and way of life. It was good to know that a different people had been there. It made me feel like I was less important. Not that the work I can do is unimportant, but that I mattered less. As Miguel de Unamuno wrote in a poem, “The only thing that lasts is the work/Start then, turn to the work.”

These words of my mother came to my mind repeatedly, too; she told me this once when I was agonized by self-consciousness: “Hafidha: No one else is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about you.” How liberating it has been to believe and accept and be grateful for this!

Comments

4 Responses to “Some Post-GA Thoughts”

Jamie Goodwin on June 28th, 2006 5:00 pm

Beautiful, and beautifully written Hafidha I am sorry I could not come and meet you in person.. perhaps next year.

Meanwhile you continue to be a mentor to me via your words and ever-growing faith.

Thanks ~ Jamie
Bart on June 28th, 2006 5:36 pm

I’m glad you were on staff with me, and that you had an overall decent sounding time. I hope working with youth didn’t stress you out too much.
LaReinaCobre on June 28th, 2006 5:42 pm

Bart,
I loved working with youth, and this is no empty affirmation: you are an incredible person!
Shawn Anthony on June 28th, 2006 6:01 pm

You did wonderful at the main podium! It was one of the highlights of my GA experience. Thank you!