Looking for Love?

Filed Under humor, love

Reading Peacebang’s dating-related post on Men Not Marrying prompted me to reflect on how I ended up with my sweetheart.

After 29 years, I finally found someone and I know for a fact that I’d never have chosen him for myself had I met him through my typical dating channels. Let me count the many ways he would have failed the Hafidha Compatability Test.

Age
First of all, he is younger than I am - not by one or two years, but by four (okay, sometimes five) years! Everyone knows men don’t mature as quickly as women do! When you’re in your 30s or 40s, five years is nothing, but when you’re in your 20s? Come on! That’s just asking for trouble. Men in their 20s are too busy getting drunk with their buddies to be interested in a committed relationship. Right? (Note: eHarmony would never have matched us up because of our age difference.)

Totally Not Chic Location
Problem Number Two: He lives in a suburb that is 35 minutes away from my house by car, and I don’t own a vehicle. Logistically, how could I date someone like that? During my online personal ad searches, I immediately nixed any guy living in his neck of the woods, for a) not having the urban sensibility to live in Portland proper, b) residing in a town that has a gun store and feed store within 1/4 mile of it’s “Welcome to” sign, and c) blissfully residing in a cardboard cut-out house in a neighborhood that has no public transportation! Of course, I had no way of knowing that my sweetie would enthusiastically drive to my house three and four nights a week to take me out. It was only six months later, after I happened to declare, “I love driving!” that he sheepishly confessed, “I really don’t.”

Uneducated
Oh yes. And he’s never been to college. In fact, he never even graduated high school. (Note: I didn’t graduate high school, either, but have been to college.) While I made an exception for myself and other home/unschooled people who I knew to be intelligent, everyone else had to be formally educated because that’s how you measure brains and success in the world.

And if I don’t sound like a total brat just yet, let’s move on to the multitude of more personal prejudices:

While he is actually of Asian and Mexican descent, from the looks of him, most people would assume he is “just” East Asian. I had an internalized racist belief that East Asian men simply weren’t interested in dating black/latina girls. I had bought into lots of stereotypes about Asians being prejudiced against black folks, and decided to protect myself by being wary of dating them. By the way, I should mention that I call this a prejudice in large part because it defied evidence to the contrary. Fact A: I was engaged to an Asian man 10 years ago. Fact B: Prior to him, another Asian man asked me to marry him. Most Pathetic Fact C: in online personal ads, I would often get responses from Asian men, but I’d ignore them because they were too “nerdy.”

Additional stupid reasons I would have rejected the man I now love:

1) He is a computer programmer. That, and being half-Asian, immediately made him “too boring, geeky and square” for creative and imaginative, romantic and fabulous ME.
2) His favorite musicians: Tori Amos, Tool, Rage Against the Machine, Nine Inch Nails, Fiona Apple? I would have summed up all of this as “screaming music.” (Note: Tori Amos really is good.)
3) His favorite movies are way too low brow and ridiculous for my art-house film sensibilities. He likes science fiction, anime and bad horror movies. I subscribed to Film Comment and American Cinematographer for years, and still read Film-Philosophy. He actually wanted to see Nacho Libre. He cannot wait for Snakes on a Plane. I could wait. I could wait forever.
4) His diet is terrible. I think it’s important to eat healthy foods, buy organic, not cook with sugar, and make food from whole ingredients. When I asked him how he got to be so tall despite having short(er) parents, his response was, “Bovine Growth Hormones” from the fast food patties he’s devoured all his life. Note to all: I will never eat anything called a “patty.” This is worse than fruit “drink” and cheese “product.”
5) I am interested in anti-racism and social justice. He’s interested in intellectual property laws, and racial humor!

I would have read into any and all of these things as the death knell for Any Possible Hope of a Life Together. Being the deep and thoughtful person that I was, I knew these things were important. In fact, I was so deep, I could read hearts and predict the future.

Like every other single woman, I’d heard the same, tired cliches: “It’ll happen when you’re not looking.” “When you least expect it.” “You’re just not ready yet; the universe will let you know,” (that is the worst). These are annoying-to-hear-even-if-they-are-true. But you know, the reason I would never have found him had I been looking was because I was never looking for him. If I had come across his personal ad - or seen him on the street - there is little chance I’d have given him more than a moment’s notice. Why was I so picky? I’m not sure. It’s easier to be picky than to fail?

Fortunately, it was my mother who set us up, and she happened to do so during a week in which I had absolutely zero pride. Self-respect, yes (always), but I had recently been humbled by unrequited adoration. When I went out with the DH for the first time, I had no expectations. I’d often tried to not have expectations, but this was one of the few times it actually happened.

Despite our differences, it’s hard for me to imagine anyone could love me more or as well as my DH does. We talk with each other about the things we care about (though I do sometimes zone out when he’s talking database theory). We learn from and encourage each other. What happens with us remains to be seen, but what holds us together has a lot less to do with appearance, income, education, race, age, occupation, hobbies, and location than I expected. These are the things we may use to identify ourselves, but I believe they cannot be the basis for identifying who will love you or who you will love. For us, the things we have in common are things that are - to use a role-playing term - “Soulbound.” A passion for analysis, a history of unconventional schooling, a love of books, a tempered admiration for academia, excitement for ideas that are outside the box, a generous attitude about money, socialistic tendencies, appreciation of the arts, a deep need to laugh and communicate, a loving and supportive family life, and very few “scars” from past romantic experiences. And so many other things. Most importantly, at this moment, his way of being and my way of being happen to be congruous - that mysterious chemistry!

Had I known last year what I know now, I’d have put all of that in a personal ad, but I doubt it would have made any difference. I’d have deleted his email or tossed his phone number as soon as dude told me that he ate Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, or was a fan of the Muppets, or sent me a goofy photo of himself (Me: “Stop squinting!” Him: “I’m not squinting; I’m Asian!”). Oh yes; because I knew exactly what I was looking for.

He jokes that our pairing is “proof of intelligent design.” Well, I don’t know, but it certainly wasn’t my idea.

(Note: This post was approved by the doughnut husband.)

Comments

13 Responses to “Looking for Love?”

Chalicechick on August 9th, 2006 4:51 am

But the REAL question is: “When is he coming to GA so I can meet him?”

More seriously, I really enjoyed this post.

“I’m not squinting, I’m Asian” reminds me of “I’m not Gay, I’m British,” a frequent joke in theCSO’s and my house.

CC
LaReinaCobre on August 9th, 2006 8:32 am

Wait - is the CSO British? Or is this from a movie? DH has helped me to have a sense of humor in regards to race. We don’t always see eye to eye, but he scooches down a little and I’ll geton a chair if I have to.

Oh, and I’m realizing now that this post may have been unconsciously inspired by HappyFeminist’s account of meeting and falling in love with her husband, who uses a wheelchair: The Beginning Story.
Joel Monka on August 9th, 2006 8:46 am

What a wonderful post! I, too, would never have found my love except by accident- we have nothing in common on the types of things dating services count, and everything against us on those things they do count. A right winger who went to Purdue and an Antioch grad… Alice In Chains fan meets Enya… and I’ve never been happier in my life.
Nancy on August 9th, 2006 7:50 pm

Delightful reading.

I’ve been married for 38 years. There is something to be said for marrying opposites.

You can always tell which side of the bed is yours by reading the book titles.

Just think of the array of magazines and junk mail you will receive. Your mail person will be so confused.

You don’t have to travel to foreign countries to experience different cultures. Every been to a boy scout district dinner?

Your children will be exposed to many paths to truth.

You don’t have to share an office - or a computer. Or you shouldn’t.

Living with a paradox gives you freedom to make your own decisions on what you think.

Would you really want to be married to someone who has your ‘issues’.

Kindness is more important than ‘getting it’. Well maybe.

Cheers
Liz on August 9th, 2006 9:10 pm

Hmm, he likes anime and you like things that have more depth and creativity…

Have you ever watched Princess Mononoke? It’s my favorite movie by my favorite director, Hiyo Miyazaki. It’s not for everyone, since you have to have an appreciation for the strange. But I highly recommend it. It has a powerful message about conflict.
LaReinaCobre on August 9th, 2006 10:42 pm

Hi Liz,
No I haven’t seen Princess Mononoke, but I did see Spirited Away and Howl’s Moving Castle. They were both good, but Spirited Away really touched me. One of these days I will see PM!
Chalicechick on August 13th, 2006 5:29 pm

TheCSO is a generation and a half or so off the boat from the UK, but has an accent of sorts and identifies strongly with his heritage.

“I’m not gay, I’m British” comes from a Just Shoot Me Episode.

But the CSO frequently does things like wearing speedoes and expressing his enthusiasm for moder art that make it relevant.

CC
PeaceBang on August 17th, 2006 5:46 pm

Oh, Hafidha, I hope you stay with this man. Age, education level, location, race… all are so insignificant compared to character, emotional and mental stability, ability to love, solvency, and sense of humor.

I date “outside the box” all the time, trying for that elusing good luck that you found with the DH. The last guy I dated was WAY off my checklist.
I didn’t care that he lived at home at 38, had a child out of wedlock, worked at a meaningless dead-end job and didn’t have a college degree.
I did care, however, that he was a marijuana addict, a liar and a total player.

In the end, character and honesty are everything. Sense of humor and cuteness are also key, but I’ve dated too many cute, funny, charming dudes with despicable character to have the second without the first any more.
PeaceBang on August 17th, 2006 5:46 pm

whoops: Elusive, not “elusing!”
Paul on August 28th, 2006 3:36 am

Love transcends race and the heart seeks whom it will.
Radical Hapa on August 30th, 2006 10:56 pm

we’re bummed we didn’t get to spend more time with the TWO of you together. shall have to dine on us when we return friend.
LaReinaCobre on August 31st, 2006 7:17 am

Yes, Joseph, absolutely!
Caroline Divine on October 26th, 2006 11:30 pm

You two are ADORABLE. Many blessings to you! Love the photo. And your great story.

Caroline (from PeaceBang’s blog — I’m an old friend of Lil’ Flava’s)