Yes, We Have No Bananas

Filed Under health

The first shock was seeing the General Assembly photos that Rev. Clyde posted on his blog last summer. My immediate reaction was, literally, OH MY GOD! I had no idea I looked like that! A few months later my mother sent me photographs from my 30th birthday party in September. By this time, I’d reached new territory because there was absolutely no way for me to camouflage my chubbiness anymore. Even a sun-dress told all.

When I was down to about five outfits that I felt even remotely comfortable in, feeling sick all the time from symptoms of IBS, and frequently waking up with mysterious back pain, I decided to do something. The grandmother whose body type I inherited spent most of her adult life coping with an extra 100 pounds, and she ruined her health in desperate attempts to lose them. Genetics were definitely not on my side in this regard, so it was really just a matter of me deciding how many trips to the doctor it was going to take before I took some action.

Two months ago, the DH was joking about how much we US Americans desire instant gratification. In the midst of listening to him it dawned on me that I’d been harboring the unconscious belief that if I liked a particular food and it was available to me, I needed to eat it. Not only that, but I had the right to eat it, and it was wrong and unfair that there could be negative consequences (such as gaining weight or feeling sick).

But now … I finally understood what millions of other people (like my “naturally” thin brothers and mother) already knew: It’s okay to love the foods I do (breads and pastas), and not eat them every day. Imagine that! My whole “relationship” with food changed. Basically, I stopped seeing myself as having a relationship with food. Relationships occur between people, and perhaps other animals. That slice of sweet bread over there is neither my friend nor my enemy; it’s just flour and water. It’s indifferent to me, so why get so riled up about it? When I think of the range of emotions I’d feel about eating - anxiety, excitement, guilt, self-indulgence, regret … what a soap opera!

A while back there was talk of a campaign to lose weight by General Assembly 2007. I don’t know how that is going, but after seeing Clyde’s pics from last year, I knew I didn’t want a repeat of OH MY GOD! Now I just have to get over the inevitable photo of me with black pepper stuck in my teeth, or my eyes in mid-blink.

September 2006 March 2007

Comments

5 Responses to “Yes, We Have No Bananas”

Every 7th Day on March 7th, 2007 2:21 am

So, I was really moved by your comments. Then I saw the pictures.

I gotta’ say to my eyes all I got was beautiful woman view 1, beautiful woman view 2, and beautiful woman view 3. Which calls to mind recent events in my life. I’ll probably blog on this, but my relationship with photos of myself these days is: in 10 years I’ll be able to see the beauty I have now. So I squint and (as long as there’s no dental pepper) hope for the best.

But thank you for your words. There are a lot of us who can resonate.
Jess on March 7th, 2007 8:01 am

I had the same kind of reaction - Hafidha, you’re just gorgeous, even when you’re feeling “chubby.” But I’m glad you’ve lost the other symptoms you were experiencing and are feeling healthier.

All these good posts about food - I’m going to have to go write my own.
Ms. Theologian on March 7th, 2007 9:40 am

You look really lovely and I don’t see any chubbyness.

Last night I had to buy a suit for work, and I thought I needed a bigger shirt size, but the salesperson said the shirt I was wearing was actually too big, not too small. In any case, it seemed to me that it demonstrated how easy it is to have an image of how you look that is different than how others see you.
LaReinaCobre on March 7th, 2007 7:02 pm

7th - Oh, thank you. Also, I couldn’t respond on your blog, but I really, really liked your church rules entry. Terrific! Also, I’m looking at the photo of you on your blog and I’m trying to figure out … why can’t you see the beauty that you have right now?!

Jess & Ms T - Thanks for the kind words, but you must believe that I was chubby! How can I make you believe me? LOL. I guess it’s just another example of what my mother used to tell me, “No one’s thinking about you as much as you’re thinking about you.” No one in my personal life gave much thought to my increasing size, but it was evident to me in how I felt. I was just hitting one marker after another … having to wear rings on different fingers, a favorite jacket no longer fitting (at all), seeing my own cheeks when I smiled, airplane seats suddenly seeming tight …. I didn’t like this sensation of having to re-adjust to the objects in my world. I know I wasn’t super chubby, but figured it was best to get proactive now; I didn’t want to go through what my grandmother went through. She died at 63.
clairebearkiss on March 9th, 2007 9:46 am

your mom is right about you noticing you (and things about you) more than anyone else. everyone has their own standards for themselves. and though i couldn’t tell much of a difference besides haircut in the pics, you were the one growing out of your favorite clothes. i have been through that and i know it sucks.
since i don’t get to see you very often i can’t really tell how you’re feeling in your skin, but i do know how beautiful your smile is, how soft and thoughtful your voice is and that’s what i notice every time!