Brief Thoughts about Polyamory

Filed Under heteropatriarchy, uu culture

I guess this is the new topic going around the UU blogosphere. I liked what Steve Campbell wrote recently on polyamory at his blog, Liberal Faith Development:

I suppose one can speculate on health, relationship stability, and other “danger” aspects surrounding polyamory. The problem here is we’ve got a lot of speculation and very little information to base our decisions. When that happens, the potential for basing one’s moral decisions on disgust instead of reason becomes very likely.

I totally agree with this. The anecdotes I’ve seen testifying to how unhealthy polyamory is sound extremely similar to those made about the perils of gay and lesbian relationships.

Throughout my childhood and adolescence I encountered polygamous families, and - from my outsider judgment - there were pros and cons. Pros included similar consequences one would experience in any extended family (e.g. more adult interaction with children, sharing of financial resources). The cons included things that I’ve also seen happen in so-called monogamous relationships (e.g. jealousy). While I’m personally not interested at all in having sex with more than one person at a time, I’m also not convinced there’s anything that could break a polyamorous relationship that couldn’t just as easily break a monogamous one. The only problem I could see with these polygamous families that was specific to them being polygamous was that only one of the wives could be legally recognized as the wife.

Also, I can count on two hands (maybe), the number of hetero-normative marriages I’m personally familiar with that I’d want to model my own relationship on. Even though I may not understand the “joys” of polyamory, it doesn’t seem to me that most monogamous folks have any authority to criticize it.

On a different, but related note:

We as a society need to look at our notion of the nuclear family. While it can certainly function well, it can also be a damaging concept when taken as the ideal situation. I know people who would almost rather give up a limb than have their aging parent move in with them. I know people whose parents kicked them out within weeks of their 18th birthday stating, “You’re an adult now; time to take care of yourself.” Many of us have constructed a morality around what we like to identify as “mine” - e.g. that’s “my house” and “my space” and “my money” and “my kids” and “my husband” and so on. I’ve done these things too, but I try to be aware that it’s a constructed morality, not an absolute.

When we cling tightly to these notions, we may be creating unnecessary problems for ourselves.

Comments

5 Responses to “Brief Thoughts about Polyamory”

Scott Wells (Boy in the Bands) on July 7th, 2007 4:37 pm

Except we have a much bigger, longer sample of stable gay couples and gay couples have a much more pressing legal problem.

I’m not at all pleased by the equivalence made between gay couples and poly* households.
hafidha sofia on July 7th, 2007 5:04 pm

I agree that they are not the same, so it bugs me that the arguments against them are so similar (e.g. it will confuse the children).
Tammy on July 9th, 2007 5:46 am

Great thoughts. Mono or Poly, there is nothign wrong with either. I don’t understand why, like with gay marriage, so many people are against it — like the thought of it being “ok” is going to make their union less valid or less ok.

Scott, I don’t know what the problem is with noting similarities between the situations (gay and poly households) or why you be “not at all pleased.” It is what it is… and they ARE similar.
Jeff W. on July 9th, 2007 8:13 am

Whatever else may be different or similar between gay marriage and plural marriage, it seems clear to me that there is indeed at least one gigantic, significant difference. By seeking marriage rites, homosexuals are attempting to fit into the accepted pattern of the common American culture. Monogamous marriage has been the model for Americans throughout the colony/country’s entire history, with only small subcultures–usually vigorously opposed by the majority–going a different direction. Marriage between two people is the overwhelming norm and it is what our legal and religious institutions have been designed to handle. Homosexuals are simply trying to take part in that shared culture: their genetics require a same-sex rather than opposite-sex partner, but otherwise they present no particular strain or changes to how marriage is understood or institutionally supported.

This simply is not true of polygamy. Polygamists are not seeking to fit themselves into the mainstream cultural pattern, but to significantly alter marriage on a fundamental level. This requires significant, complicated changes to our legal codes, tax systems, overhauling of religious ritual, and other big changes. It permanently creates two kinds of marriage and is guaranteed to lead to vastly complex legal fights over children and property. It changes what marriage is and what marriage means. Since there are few institutions that Americans are more invested in that marriage, one can expect enormous, probably insurmountable opposition to such an alteration. Straight and gay marriage may not be precisely identical, but they are far closer than either is to polygamy, and there’s no use in overlooking this point.
The Discussion on Polyamory / People With More Than One Romantic Partner « Elizabeth’s Little Blog on July 9th, 2007 10:45 am

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