Tag Teaming Personal Racism

Filed Under ao resources, friends, race, small happinesses

The DH and I were having a meal with some good friends yesterday when the wife of the couple asked me, “So, tell me this - I don’t understand. Why are African American men so violent?” She went on to describe how in school the black boys would torment her, and were so brutal and vicious. “Is it genetics? I wonder, if you took black boys in put them in white families, would they turn out the same? The Asian kids in school were so good and quiet, and they wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

Sometimes I just get so blindsided. I’d swear that right before she said this we were talking about Hawaii or having children - I mean, something seemingly, totally unrelated. Anyway, I wasn’t utterly unprepared; this is the same friend who, last winter, insisted that I was “too nice” to be black, but still. It was hard at first to come up with anything coherent to say.

The DH, who has been reading a lot of economics recently jumped right in. “Have you ever taken a course in statistics?” he asks our friend. She said she had in college, but it was the only C she’s ever received. So the DH broke it down and talked about some study (perhaps featured in Freakonomics) which illustrated that, after taking out all other factors, such as economic levels, education of the mother, etc. that race played virtually no role in criminal behavior - he could not speak to violence per se, as that is not what was being measured in this study.

I swear to God, the DH amazes me. We all four of us had a bit of a conversation. I did get a little emotional, but talked about the recent history of racial prejudice. The good thing about my friend is that she just says what is in her brain, and so it became apparent that the root of her perception sprung from several things:

1. She is a well off Russian immigrant, and she is surrounded by other, (mostly) well to do Russian immigrants; if they could succeed in this country so quickly, what is wrong with black people in America?

2. She really does not know any black people besides me (not surprisingly), but the little exposure she has to television and media paints a bleak picture. “Look at their movies and tv shows, black men are always on drugs, shooting, and cheating on their woman - and tell me this: Why are there so many single black mothers? Why don’t black men stay with their women?”

There was so much coming out at once, my brain felt like it was quickly melting. There was no pain, but my vision became blurry, my cheeks got hot, my jaw felt loose. And I wasn’t even angry.

As all training and rehearsing is wont to do, the AR/AO work I’ve done kicked in and helped me formulate responses quickly while I tried to manage my emotions. To be sure, I approach things from a sense of right and wrong, e.g. It is wrong to believe that one race of people is morally inferior than others. The DH, however, is less interested in right/wrong and wants to know what is: is race in actuality the reason why this person is behaving this way?

Together, we talked about this for about half an hour. I attempted to address social factors, laws to restrict black mobility, and also the diversity of the black community that she simply was not privy to. The DH talked about percentages, and filters for success in this country, and how immigration is itself a filter: who makes it here from other countries; and who are they leaving behind?

Eventually, the husband of the couple interrupted the conversation to suggest we leave the restaurant and go to their house for cake and coffee. I agreed because I wanted to see their new puppy. We had separate cars, and on the way to their house, the DH told me that he “really wanted” to continue this conversation because he had responses to her argument.

Alas, by the time we arrived at their house, it was all about the puppy, and cheesecake. I suspect the husband of the couple might have informed his wife that this was a sensitive topic and to perhaps back off. Nonetheless, we didn’t leave their house until seven or so hours later. We had several more very lively discussions about whether a prayer-at-a-distance can really heal, whether the DH is really an atheist (our friend insists he really does believe in God - he just doesn’t know it); and whether Mother Theresa did more harm than good.

I’m grateful to have the DH with me in moments like these. I’m grateful to have friends (note: not totally random strangers) who challenge me in this way, and give me room to practice speaking up, listening, and having difficult conversations. I’m also grateful that I personally don’t have to cope with this on a daily basis; it makes it that much easier on the occasions that I do.

Comments

9 Responses to “Tag Teaming Personal Racism”

Comrade Kevin on August 27th, 2007 12:29 pm

Human beings have a hard time with unknowns. This is why we like to formulate simplistic responses for complex issues.

The impact that race plays upon our collective conscience is one such issue that doesn’t lend itself well to sound-bytes. It’s easy to paint humanity in us versus them terms because that’s a lot sexier and plus it plays into our own competitive spirit. We’d much rather hold true a viewpoint that is certain and absolutely wrong. Perversely, that’s more comforting.
Ms. Theologian on August 27th, 2007 12:51 pm

You stayed seven hours after the cheesecake?
hafidha sofia on August 27th, 2007 12:55 pm

Yes, I think our average visit length with them is about 8 hours. Seriously. They’re the only non-family we’ve ever traveled with as a couple. We’re thinking about going to Egypt and/or Europe together (interesting!).
Chalicechick on August 27th, 2007 1:55 pm

Yeah, theCSO and I have questions about race that I don’t feel like ever get answered.

I wish conversations like that one happened more often.

CC
will shetterly on August 27th, 2007 2:28 pm

Sounds like you made an excellent choice of DH.

I think a lot of immigrants and children of immigrants don’t get it because they think they “came with nothing,” but they don’t realize that, in most cases, they actually had some resources or they were following relatives who had some resources, unlike slaves and many indentured servants, for whom “came with nothing” was literally true.

Since the friendship continues, I’m sure you’ll have another chance to talk more about this. Giving her time to ponder what she’s heard and knows won’t hurt anything.

And Egypt! High on the list of places I would love to visit!
Bill_Baar on August 27th, 2007 2:44 pm

You’ll want to wath Janks Morton’s What Blackmen think.

The Why is pretty interesting.
Joseph Santos-Lyons on August 27th, 2007 7:05 pm

Aimee and I were talking about how in the immigrant and refugee organizing, it is amazing at how quickly the White Russian and European refugees, from former Soviet Republics, from Eastern Europe, former Yugoslavia, and so forth, how quickly they assimilate White Privilege. We’ve been working with an excellent group that is new in Portland - the Center for Intercultural Organizing, and they have worked hard to build an anti-racist multicultural community. Still, the power of Whiteness is intense.
Stephen on August 28th, 2007 12:31 am

Bloody hell. I would be completely blindsided by a comment like that from nowhere. I also feel like I don’t think quickly enough in conversations like that. Sounds like the conversation achieved something though.
hafidha sofia on August 30th, 2007 12:04 am

Multiple comments:
Bill - that link didn’t work. Can you resubmit? I was only able to find youtube video showing comments about the video.

Joseph - One thing I didn’t realize was how the system gets “finagled.” For example, I didn’t know that when one takes out a loan for land or property that one could do so without providing proof of earnings. I’ve found out that some people completely lie about their income to take out a half million dollar loan. Then they flip the property or develop it in some way, and pay off the loan before anyone’s the wiser. The cost for not providing proof of income? A higher interest rate. But I am flabbergasted that any bank would even give such a loan in the first place! Networking and having people in the know or positions of power like that is key.

Also, it’s interesting how there are pockets within immigrant communities in which money making is high on the list of priorities. It’s not enough to get by, but to really make a LOT of money. I’m talking tens of thousands of dollars per month. But in other communities, there is more subsistence living. I’m still trying to figure out why that happens and what are the factors that play into that.

Stephen - Yes, “bloody hell” is a good description of what it felt like at first. But what can you do! =)