Distant Ring of a Shrinking Company

Filed Under life changes, new things, questions, spiritual practice

Increasingly it feels I’m en route to becoming a bright eyed old man. Muttering factoids under my breath, bewildered by my scratchy chin. I’m sure it has to do with who I listen to these days - elderly male atheists and existentialists who seem as delighted with the world as they are annoyed by people (or is it the other way around?).

Several months ago, as I tussled with the notion of being an atheist, all my Muslim upbringing fought against it - because to be an unbeliever is to be so many hideous things, namely Arrogant; was I Full of Pride? And if so, what had changed in my life to make me so? And my anti-oppression training disapprovingly wagged its finger at the image of atheism, asking: do you have any understanding of why you identify with these people? is there maybe a reason you don’t see too many black latinas at the forefront of this so-called movement?

Oh boy, and how much of who I am has been shaped by the LH, who, in his unassuming way is one of the most persuasive people I know - not because he wants to convince anyone, but because he wants to talk about it. It’s never been clearer why they killed Socrates.

The irony is that when I was a Muslim, I felt like such a minority. Everyone else in society seemed to be Not Muslim, and when I left Islam, there was at one point a sense of relief: I could blend in. Anywhere. And it was true - I walk into a store and I’m just like everyone else. I go anywhere, and no one thinks twice about me. I even see other Muslims on the street, and they look around me, likely interpreting my gaze as that of an unfamiliar.

So I became a UU - there are more Muslims in Manhattan than there are UUs the world over, and now I carve another little niche for myself. An atheist. The interesting thing is I don’t feel the need for an atheist community, although I did, upon invitation, sign up to become A Bright recently. For now, the buck stops there. No more memberships, I don’t think.

Not sure what it means to be an atheist except to not believe in any deities, or even supernaturalism. It’s been a greater challenge, actually - I’ve had to be critical about things that I didn’t have to question as a softly agnostic humanist UU: do I really believe all that stuff about Virgos, for example? And astrology in general. And ghosts?

The whole experience is sort of like clearing out the basement. One small corner is wiped clean and empty- it’s the spot where I’m standing right now; as for the rest of it, it’s so dim and cluttered I can’t even make out how much work is left to do.

Sometimes I hear Michael’s voice upstairs. But mostly I’m on my own.

Comments

2 Responses to “Distant Ring of a Shrinking Company”

Chalicechick on December 6th, 2007 6:39 am

(((is there maybe a reason you don’t see too many black latinas at the forefront of this so-called movement?)))

Heck, I don’t even see a forefront. I see people who are recognized as spokespeople by those outside of atheism, but I don’t really even see any leadership that is agreed-upon from within.

IMHO, most atheists are, like you, not necessarily joiners, or if they are, they focus more on charitable work than on a religious organizaation, which is a-ok with me.

I’m not an atheist anymore, but I firmly believe that “God isn’t going to take care of the poor, so we have to” is pragmatism, not pride.

CC
PeaceBang on December 8th, 2007 9:54 am

I laughed out loud over the Socrates comment. Hilarious.
Thanks for this post. It makes me think about our need for community, and then how we even yearn for community-within-community; a group of friends who can support or understand a particular thing about us or issue dear to our hearts.