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    Feeling Better About Everything

    Filed Under from the heart, life changes, new things, plans, pregnancy, small happinesses | 11 Comments

    I must admit that on the day we learned about our baby’s heart condition, I just about had a nervous breakdown. For several hours, I felt like my whole self was being gulped down by the fear of giving birth to a baby, only to watch her die shortly after. But the DH and I turned to each other and I let him know all my worst thoughts, and of course we comforted each other. After most of the tears were shed, we both set down and started doing the research.

    And now we are feeling optimistic. Worried, yes. Unsure of the hospital experience, yes. Would rather our baby-to-be not have a deadly, congenital heart defect, yes. But, within 24 hours, we’d learned a lot more about HLHS, and figured out the best facilities to go to, the best surgeon for this condition in our area, and the current survival rates. First and foremost, we are so fortunate to be having this child in 2008 and not 25 years ago when the mortality rate was 100%. Advancements in the surgeries performed and the pain management following them have been instrumental in raising the survival rate from 50/50 just a decade ago to 75% today. And the full organ scan ultrasound (performed around week 20) led to early detection, which improves her odds even more. We like those numbers.

    The nicest thing is knowing that she is safe and distress-free in utero, so I no longer complain when she gives me heartburn or kicks me in the ribs, or rams her head into my pelvis, or attempts to perform back flips.  I’m also no longer hoping she’ll be a week or two early because I want her to get fat and strong. Anxiety about my own weight gain (now 48 pounds) is out the window. Seriously, a lot of things no longer matter at this point.

    Over the next two weeks we’ll be visiting with the surgeon, cardiologist, and neonatal team at Oregon Health Sciences University (OHSU). We only live about 20 minutes away, so I’d prefer that facility. Unless there is a big difference between successful surgeries there and, say, Ann Arbor, we’ll probably go there. We had a frustrating experience with the initial cardiologist we’ve been seeing - we think he is withholding information from us (including the name of the condition, and the severity of it - he told us in early July that “it’s not lethal”) so that HE can make all of the decisions, and perform the surgery. However, although the DH wants to file a complaint about him, we are not getting hung up on that. My midwives at the waterbirth center I’ve been going to have been great, and are working with OHSU. It’s still up in the air where I’ll be giving birth, but they are supportive of whatever is best for baby’s health.

    So … we shall see! For now, we are seeing the bright sides of things. I can’t speak for my state of mind later, once she is in hospital hooked up to IVs, machines, etc. but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

    As an aside, this whole thing has brought up a lot of stuff for me:

    And every day I wonder, “what am I made of?” The DH and I have both lived fairly trauma-free lives. I knew that wasn’t likely to last forever - that we as much as anyone are subject to chance. And though I would have preferred our first big life challenge not involve our little innocent, I remember Nietzsche’s words, “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” I don’t know what will happen, but I’m hoping that my belief in the uncertainty of existence means that even when our most well thought out plans are foiled by chance, that we are not broken down, but able to become more mindful, compassionate, and clear-eyed. Who knows what the future holds!

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