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    • Aug

    5

    Feeling Better About Everything

    Filed Under from the heart, life changes, new things, plans, pregnancy, small happinesses | 11 Comments

    I must admit that on the day we learned about our baby’s heart condition, I just about had a nervous breakdown. For several hours, I felt like my whole self was being gulped down by the fear of giving birth to a baby, only to watch her die shortly after. But the DH and I turned to each other and I let him know all my worst thoughts, and of course we comforted each other. After most of the tears were shed, we both set down and started doing the research.

    And now we are feeling optimistic. Worried, yes. Unsure of the hospital experience, yes. Would rather our baby-to-be not have a deadly, congenital heart defect, yes. But, within 24 hours, we’d learned a lot more about HLHS, and figured out the best facilities to go to, the best surgeon for this condition in our area, and the current survival rates. First and foremost, we are so fortunate to be having this child in 2008 and not 25 years ago when the mortality rate was 100%. Advancements in the surgeries performed and the pain management following them have been instrumental in raising the survival rate from 50/50 just a decade ago to 75% today. And the full organ scan ultrasound (performed around week 20) led to early detection, which improves her odds even more. We like those numbers.

    The nicest thing is knowing that she is safe and distress-free in utero, so I no longer complain when she gives me heartburn or kicks me in the ribs, or rams her head into my pelvis, or attempts to perform back flips.  I’m also no longer hoping she’ll be a week or two early because I want her to get fat and strong. Anxiety about my own weight gain (now 48 pounds) is out the window. Seriously, a lot of things no longer matter at this point.

    Over the next two weeks we’ll be visiting with the surgeon, cardiologist, and neonatal team at Oregon Health Sciences University (OHSU). We only live about 20 minutes away, so I’d prefer that facility. Unless there is a big difference between successful surgeries there and, say, Ann Arbor, we’ll probably go there. We had a frustrating experience with the initial cardiologist we’ve been seeing - we think he is withholding information from us (including the name of the condition, and the severity of it - he told us in early July that “it’s not lethal”) so that HE can make all of the decisions, and perform the surgery. However, although the DH wants to file a complaint about him, we are not getting hung up on that. My midwives at the waterbirth center I’ve been going to have been great, and are working with OHSU. It’s still up in the air where I’ll be giving birth, but they are supportive of whatever is best for baby’s health.

    So … we shall see! For now, we are seeing the bright sides of things. I can’t speak for my state of mind later, once she is in hospital hooked up to IVs, machines, etc. but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

    As an aside, this whole thing has brought up a lot of stuff for me:

    And every day I wonder, “what am I made of?” The DH and I have both lived fairly trauma-free lives. I knew that wasn’t likely to last forever - that we as much as anyone are subject to chance. And though I would have preferred our first big life challenge not involve our little innocent, I remember Nietzsche’s words, “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” I don’t know what will happen, but I’m hoping that my belief in the uncertainty of existence means that even when our most well thought out plans are foiled by chance, that we are not broken down, but able to become more mindful, compassionate, and clear-eyed. Who knows what the future holds!

    Popularity: 61% [?]

    Jul

    30

    A Challenging Week

    Filed Under from the heart, life changes, local, new things, sadness | 16 Comments

    Today was not a good day - the assessment from the cardiologist about our 31 week ultrasound indicates that our little one likely has a congenital heart defect known as hypoplastic left heart syndrome (HLHS). It is very rare and serious. Without surgeries or a heart transplant, it is fatal within several days.

    In addition to this, one of my best friends is visiting from Tennessee. She flew out for my baby shower on Sunday, and was en route when she learned of the tragic events at her home congregation, Tennessee Valley UU Church. Fortunately, a UU fellowship nearby held a vigil Monday night that we were able to attend. You can read The Columbian newspaper article about that here.

    All in all, not the best few days of my life, but we’ll see what the morning holds, and the coming days, weeks, and months. In any case, the DH has been encouraging me to write more and publish things, so I’m going to make the effort, sincerely. Apologies to the commenters to my last post on ODD - I’ve been reflecting on everything written as the comments came in, and will respond soon.

    Popularity: 66% [?]

    May

    25

    The Birds

    Filed Under lil things, local, new things, small happinesses | 4 Comments

    Winter Wren, courtesy of Wake Robin Learning CenterAnd yet another new preoccupation - one as mysterious as my sudden appreciation for the color purple, and seahorses: I’ve become enamored of the bird songs enveloping my house during the daylight hours. The sounds aren’t new, but my love for them is. Some mornings I wake up and just lie still in the bed, growing more and more breathless as their songs increase. Throughout the day, I’ll pause - half disbelieving. It’s as though someone is piping bird calls directly into my house. I feel like a Who.

    I mention the birds to hubby, and my family across the street, but no one else seems to be thinking about them. Further investigation is needed, but through online research of photography and mp3 files, I believe that we are surrounded by warblers, brown creepers, robins, chickadees, wonderful winter wrens, a small number of blue jays, and a handful of hummingbirds. And possibly sparrows. Previously, they were to me, “chit chit” birds, “swee” birds,” “trilling,” and “weow whistling” birds.  If I even thought that far. I am keeping my ears open for a meadowlark, though I think I may have to venture to a nearby forest for that one.

    As both a city girl and a woman who operates almost entirely at the conscious level, I have no real notion of what all this “signifies,” if anything. I’ll continue to explore this interest … until its prominence in my mind wanes or leads to something more. It is really strange to think you know yourself, only to be possessed in this way.

     

    *photo of Winter Wren, from the Wake Robin Learning Center at NWNature.net.

     

     

     

    Popularity: 69% [?]

    Apr

    15

    Reports from the Home Front

    Filed Under being creative, lil things, love, new things, people, plans, pregnancy | 11 Comments

    Stuff #1: Well, not only did he not know who Cyndi Lauper was, or recognize the blind, black man with braids as Stevie Wonder, but today I discovered that my husband doesn’t know who Sean Penn, W.E.B. Dubois, or Langston Hughes are. Or Bette Davis. 

    But in all truthfulness, I’d never heard of Richard Feynman, Alan Turing, Gauss, Heisenberg, Von Neumann or the Bernoullis before I met him… so we both have our weak areas. His is popular culture and Black History; mine is physics, mathematics, and computer science. You can decide which is worse. 

    In any case, we are learning from each other. Hopefully, our child(ren) will learn from us both. 

    ***

    Stuff #2: I’m learning to swim! After 3 lessons, and 3 additional sessions (on my own), I can “kick” and “fin” on both my stomach and my back, without any assistance. So if I fall into a small body of water I shouldn’t drown.  Although this has never been a real danger for me, knowing this feels really great.  I love going to the pool. I finally got over my swimsuit fears (well, mostly; my suit is a short skirt and midriff-concealing top), and don’t care what people think of my body. So I guess that’s modesty without the self-consciousness, which is all I ask.

    Yesterday, the midwife told me it was okay to get in the hot tub so long as I didn’t let myself cook; that made my DAY. I love a jetted hot tub. Learning to swim has been an empowering experience; every day I see progress, and become more bold. Plus, I’m doing my part to defy the stereotype that black people can’t swim. (Click here for an interesting article on that annoyingly persistent myth - most of my family believes it, and they all swim!)

    ***

    Stuff #3: Picked up Murakami’s Elephant Stories (at reader Hotei’s suggestion), as well as several Saramago novels I’ve not yet read, including his latest, Seeing. I’ve decided to write a few short children’s books for my own kid(s) based on people in my and Michael’s families. Getting the illustrations done will be the biggest challenge, but my brother-in-law is an artist, and one of my brothers is very good, too. I’m teaching myself to draw,  but it will be a while before I can do anything substantial.

    I learned more about my predecessors … my granddad (an aspiring writer, who wrote numerous novels that were never published) wrote a letter to W.E.B. Dubois, who wrote back to him. The letters are published in a book of Dubois’ correspondence. This granddad’s mom, Rebecca, was a labor organizer in Panama, and met Paul Robeson (another person Michael’s never heard of). And her mom, Mary Jane - the Jamaican woman who married the Scotsman - wasn’t of African descent, as I’d assumed; she was Arawak. Rebecca was a pretty incredible woman. Discovering things about my recent ancestors has been such a gift. I feel more grounded, richer … as though I have something to give to my children apart from myself.

    I also learned that Michael’s paternal ancestors from Spain were Sephardic (Jews). When I told him this, his response was the typical wisecracking: “So there’s still a chance I’ll be rich!” Oh lord. He doesn’t care a whit about ancestry or family history. In some things, we couldn’t be more different.

    So many stories …. If you’re looking for stories, start at home.

     

    Popularity: 59% [?]

    Feb

    10

    Grumpy But Not Ill-Tempered

    Filed Under new things, pregnancy | 10 Comments

    Warning: Pregnancy post ahead.

    I am tired of being pregnant. Oh wait, maybe I’m just tired. Yes, that’s it. I’m really, really, really frickin’ tired.

    But I can live with that; I’ll take a(nother) nap. Then I made the mistake of reading an online discussion about differences in pain and recovery times for C-section vs. vaginal births. WTF did I do THAT for? That was horrible. Now I’m just feeling … terrified! I’ve never been hospitalized in my life. The strongest medication I’ve ever taken is laughing gas, and a single dose of Vicodin after having a few teeth removed. What if I just totally crack? How on earth do people women do this?

    I was feeling so confident yesterday, but today … not at all.

    Popularity: 100% [?]

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