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    • Aug

    5

    Feeling Better About Everything

    Filed Under from the heart, life changes, new things, plans, pregnancy, small happinesses | 10 Comments

    I must admit that on the day we learned about our baby’s heart condition, I just about had a nervous breakdown. For several hours, I felt like my whole self was being gulped down by the fear of giving birth to a baby, only to watch her die shortly after. But the DH and I turned to each other and I let him know all my worst thoughts, and of course we comforted each other. After most of the tears were shed, we both set down and started doing the research.

    And now we are feeling optimistic. Worried, yes. Unsure of the hospital experience, yes. Would rather our baby-to-be not have a deadly, congenital heart defect, yes. But, within 24 hours, we’d learned a lot more about HLHS, and figured out the best facilities to go to, the best surgeon for this condition in our area, and the current survival rates. First and foremost, we are so fortunate to be having this child in 2008 and not 25 years ago when the mortality rate was 100%. Advancements in the surgeries performed and the pain management following them have been instrumental in raising the survival rate from 50/50 just a decade ago to 75% today. And the full organ scan ultrasound (performed around week 20) led to early detection, which improves her odds even more. We like those numbers.

    The nicest thing is knowing that she is safe and distress-free in utero, so I no longer complain when she gives me heartburn or kicks me in the ribs, or rams her head into my pelvis, or attempts to perform back flips.  I’m also no longer hoping she’ll be a week or two early because I want her to get fat and strong. Anxiety about my own weight gain (now 48 pounds) is out the window. Seriously, a lot of things no longer matter at this point.

    Over the next two weeks we’ll be visiting with the surgeon, cardiologist, and neonatal team at Oregon Health Sciences University (OHSU). We only live about 20 minutes away, so I’d prefer that facility. Unless there is a big difference between successful surgeries there and, say, Ann Arbor, we’ll probably go there. We had a frustrating experience with the initial cardiologist we’ve been seeing - we think he is withholding information from us (including the name of the condition, and the severity of it - he told us in early July that “it’s not lethal”) so that HE can make all of the decisions, and perform the surgery. However, although the DH wants to file a complaint about him, we are not getting hung up on that. My midwives at the waterbirth center I’ve been going to have been great, and are working with OHSU. It’s still up in the air where I’ll be giving birth, but they are supportive of whatever is best for baby’s health.

    So … we shall see! For now, we are seeing the bright sides of things. I can’t speak for my state of mind later, once she is in hospital hooked up to IVs, machines, etc. but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

    As an aside, this whole thing has brought up a lot of stuff for me:

    And every day I wonder, “what am I made of?” The DH and I have both lived fairly trauma-free lives. I knew that wasn’t likely to last forever - that we as much as anyone are subject to chance. And though I would have preferred our first big life challenge not involve our little innocent, I remember Nietzsche’s words, “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” I don’t know what will happen, but I’m hoping that my belief in the uncertainty of existence means that even when our most well thought out plans are foiled by chance, that we are not broken down, but able to become more mindful, compassionate, and clear-eyed. Who knows what the future holds!

    Popularity: 20% [?]

    Apr

    15

    Reports from the Home Front

    Filed Under being creative, lil things, love, new things, people, plans, pregnancy | 11 Comments

    Stuff #1: Well, not only did he not know who Cyndi Lauper was, or recognize the blind, black man with braids as Stevie Wonder, but today I discovered that my husband doesn’t know who Sean Penn, W.E.B. Dubois, or Langston Hughes are. Or Bette Davis. 

    But in all truthfulness, I’d never heard of Richard Feynman, Alan Turing, Gauss, Heisenberg, Von Neumann or the Bernoullis before I met him… so we both have our weak areas. His is popular culture and Black History; mine is physics, mathematics, and computer science. You can decide which is worse. 

    In any case, we are learning from each other. Hopefully, our child(ren) will learn from us both. 

    ***

    Stuff #2: I’m learning to swim! After 3 lessons, and 3 additional sessions (on my own), I can “kick” and “fin” on both my stomach and my back, without any assistance. So if I fall into a small body of water I shouldn’t drown.  Although this has never been a real danger for me, knowing this feels really great.  I love going to the pool. I finally got over my swimsuit fears (well, mostly; my suit is a short skirt and midriff-concealing top), and don’t care what people think of my body. So I guess that’s modesty without the self-consciousness, which is all I ask.

    Yesterday, the midwife told me it was okay to get in the hot tub so long as I didn’t let myself cook; that made my DAY. I love a jetted hot tub. Learning to swim has been an empowering experience; every day I see progress, and become more bold. Plus, I’m doing my part to defy the stereotype that black people can’t swim. (Click here for an interesting article on that annoyingly persistent myth - most of my family believes it, and they all swim!)

    ***

    Stuff #3: Picked up Murakami’s Elephant Stories (at reader Hotei’s suggestion), as well as several Saramago novels I’ve not yet read, including his latest, Seeing. I’ve decided to write a few short children’s books for my own kid(s) based on people in my and Michael’s families. Getting the illustrations done will be the biggest challenge, but my brother-in-law is an artist, and one of my brothers is very good, too. I’m teaching myself to draw,  but it will be a while before I can do anything substantial.

    I learned more about my predecessors … my granddad (an aspiring writer, who wrote numerous novels that were never published) wrote a letter to W.E.B. Dubois, who wrote back to him. The letters are published in a book of Dubois’ correspondence. This granddad’s mom, Rebecca, was a labor organizer in Panama, and met Paul Robeson (another person Michael’s never heard of). And her mom, Mary Jane - the Jamaican woman who married the Scotsman - wasn’t of African descent, as I’d assumed; she was Arawak. Rebecca was a pretty incredible woman. Discovering things about my recent ancestors has been such a gift. I feel more grounded, richer … as though I have something to give to my children apart from myself.

    I also learned that Michael’s paternal ancestors from Spain were Sephardic (Jews). When I told him this, his response was the typical wisecracking: “So there’s still a chance I’ll be rich!” Oh lord. He doesn’t care a whit about ancestry or family history. In some things, we couldn’t be more different.

    So many stories …. If you’re looking for stories, start at home.

     

    Popularity: 54% [?]

    Jan

    8

    Overdrawn?

    Filed Under lil things, new things, plans | 2 Comments

    You know that feeling when you strongly suspect that you are, like, ten cents from being overdrawn on your checking account, but you’re not really sure because you haven’t balanced your checkbook in a few months … and every time you swipe your card for that slice of pizza or those groceries you repeatedly shift all your weight from one foot to the other, anticipating the cashier will say to you, “Sorry, your card’s been declined?”

    No? Okay, maybe that was just me (six years ago).

    But I’m kind of having that feeling about my time commitments in January. I don’t think I’m overdrawn, but if I don’t make some deposits I’m going to be. I have to take stock. Yesterday was first day of school, and I have four classes, as I already mentioned. I’m doing a youth chaplain training at the end of January, and yesterday agreed to fill in for a friend as a trainer at a Groundwork anti-racism 101 training in Chicago - in two weeks! And then, I have piano class once a week (and I haven’t been practicing like I should), plus an art class this weekend. Then there’s writing group once a week; Real Wealth of Portland meets once a week - in addition to a monthly meeting. And my women’s group meets twice this month. I’ve also got to send minutes for the last HOA meeting (I volunteered to be secretary).

    On Friday there’s an Impeach Bush event I said I’d go to (he really does need to be impeached; it’s more than ridiculous that it hasn’t happened yet). And I’m supposed to be reading at least seven books right now, plus my school texts. Two upcoming baby showers, hosting a young adult potluck this Sunday at my house; four lunches with friends; an unpleasant medical procedure; church-run young adult service project cleaning up a park; reviewing budget and policy stuff for the district young adult coordinator role I now hold. On a personal note, I committed to going to the community center six days a week for the indoor track and the pool time (to stay in the habit); and I just agreed to run for Nominating Committee at my church.

    And - I’m very happy to report this - my brother, his wife, their kids, and my grandmother are moving into the house across the street from me - on Monday! While I’m thrilled about this - we’ve got to get my grandmother packed and moved in a few weeks, so we can find renters for her current house!

    This is a typical January, isn’t it? Luckily, all of these things I want to do, but I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed. I need to remember: take a deep breath, write it all out, and, Increments!

    Popularity: 20% [?]

    Dec

    29

    Focus For the New Year: Increments

    Filed Under inspiration, plans | 5 Comments

    Miller's father stressed the importance of Increments. It would be inappropriate to call it a New Year’s Resolution, as I’ve been mulling this over for a few months already: practicing the concept of “increments.”

    Here is where I avoid my usual exposition - I don’t want to belabor the point - and give it to you in a nutshell. There is a theory that there are two categories into which most people can be divided, who could be described in this way:

    1. The first is the type who, as children, came home from school with an A on a test, and their parents’ response would be, “You got an A! You’re so smart!”
    2. The second is the type who came home from school with an A on a test, and their parent’s response was, “You got an A! All of your studying paid off!”

    All my life, I’ve been in the first category, conflating the “work” that I produced with my personal value and worth. This “fixed mindset” (so-called by Carol Dweck of Stanford University) is not working for me. So I’m going to try thinking and acting “incrementally,” a term I first heard of last year while reading a very long article about the actor Wentworth Miller.

    Coincidentally, several months ago, the LH stumbled across some papers (such as the one referenced here) on the subject of incremental thinking. Through conversations it became apparent that we both wanted to make a conscious effort to apply this theory of learning to ourselves.

    So. We will see. The biggest hurdle may very well be finding value in small steps. Intellectually, I know it’s there, but it will take time to create new habits that really support the behavior I want out of myself. It’s exciting, and I’m happy the LH and I will be able to support one another in this endeavor.

    Popularity: 20% [?]

    Dec

    28

    Thank You for Your Help - and Resolutions

    Filed Under education, lil things, plans | 1 Comment

    I realize sometimes I bring up miniature dilemmas here, receive feedback from kind readers, and then never mention how I resolved the issue. Here is how a few things turned out:

    On the Dilemma of Real or Fake Christmas Trees
    Last you may have heard, I thought I might go with a potted tree that could be replanted later. Alas, procrastination got the better of me, and I waited too long to send the email, mail the check, and fax the form (yes, all three were necessary to procure the tree). The LH ended up driving me a mile down the road and taking me to my first Christmas Tree Lot of locally grown trees (a tradition since 1979! according to the sign). The potted tree was going to run me $65. The tree I got was $25. It’s gorgeous. It is not a big deal to keep it watered. It’s the perfect tree. I cannot believe I ever considered getting a fake one!!! (Tino, you were right.) Yes, it only has seven ornaments on it, but the tree is beautiful enough without the glitz and glamour.

    On the Dilemma of Atrociously Wrinkled Cloth Napkins
    I have decided that it’s really not that bad. They end up in one’s lap anyhoo. For special occasions, however, I’ve confirmed that removing them from the dryer when they are still damp does work - thank you all!

    On the Dilemma of Which Class to Take
    Ultimately I chose History of the Middle East over Medieval Women Writers. The former just seems far more relevant right now, and it will help me fill in some blanks. (I know a lot of Islamic history from the Sunni Muslim perspective, but that hardly covers things.)  So my three other classes are: Muckraking: the Activist’s Role in Shaping America’s History; Psychoanalysis and Film during which I’ll be learning a lot about Lacan; and Political Criticism in Film.

    Thanks to those who pitched in with their thoughts and opinions - they really did have an influence on what I decided.

    Popularity: 22% [?]

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