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    • Aug

    5

    Feeling Better About Everything

    Filed Under from the heart, life changes, new things, plans, pregnancy, small happinesses | 10 Comments

    I must admit that on the day we learned about our baby’s heart condition, I just about had a nervous breakdown. For several hours, I felt like my whole self was being gulped down by the fear of giving birth to a baby, only to watch her die shortly after. But the DH and I turned to each other and I let him know all my worst thoughts, and of course we comforted each other. After most of the tears were shed, we both set down and started doing the research.

    And now we are feeling optimistic. Worried, yes. Unsure of the hospital experience, yes. Would rather our baby-to-be not have a deadly, congenital heart defect, yes. But, within 24 hours, we’d learned a lot more about HLHS, and figured out the best facilities to go to, the best surgeon for this condition in our area, and the current survival rates. First and foremost, we are so fortunate to be having this child in 2008 and not 25 years ago when the mortality rate was 100%. Advancements in the surgeries performed and the pain management following them have been instrumental in raising the survival rate from 50/50 just a decade ago to 75% today. And the full organ scan ultrasound (performed around week 20) led to early detection, which improves her odds even more. We like those numbers.

    The nicest thing is knowing that she is safe and distress-free in utero, so I no longer complain when she gives me heartburn or kicks me in the ribs, or rams her head into my pelvis, or attempts to perform back flips.  I’m also no longer hoping she’ll be a week or two early because I want her to get fat and strong. Anxiety about my own weight gain (now 48 pounds) is out the window. Seriously, a lot of things no longer matter at this point.

    Over the next two weeks we’ll be visiting with the surgeon, cardiologist, and neonatal team at Oregon Health Sciences University (OHSU). We only live about 20 minutes away, so I’d prefer that facility. Unless there is a big difference between successful surgeries there and, say, Ann Arbor, we’ll probably go there. We had a frustrating experience with the initial cardiologist we’ve been seeing - we think he is withholding information from us (including the name of the condition, and the severity of it - he told us in early July that “it’s not lethal”) so that HE can make all of the decisions, and perform the surgery. However, although the DH wants to file a complaint about him, we are not getting hung up on that. My midwives at the waterbirth center I’ve been going to have been great, and are working with OHSU. It’s still up in the air where I’ll be giving birth, but they are supportive of whatever is best for baby’s health.

    So … we shall see! For now, we are seeing the bright sides of things. I can’t speak for my state of mind later, once she is in hospital hooked up to IVs, machines, etc. but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

    As an aside, this whole thing has brought up a lot of stuff for me:

    And every day I wonder, “what am I made of?” The DH and I have both lived fairly trauma-free lives. I knew that wasn’t likely to last forever - that we as much as anyone are subject to chance. And though I would have preferred our first big life challenge not involve our little innocent, I remember Nietzsche’s words, “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” I don’t know what will happen, but I’m hoping that my belief in the uncertainty of existence means that even when our most well thought out plans are foiled by chance, that we are not broken down, but able to become more mindful, compassionate, and clear-eyed. Who knows what the future holds!

    Popularity: 17% [?]

    May

    25

    The Birds

    Filed Under lil things, local, new things, small happinesses | 4 Comments

    Winter Wren, courtesy of Wake Robin Learning CenterAnd yet another new preoccupation - one as mysterious as my sudden appreciation for the color purple, and seahorses: I’ve become enamored of the bird songs enveloping my house during the daylight hours. The sounds aren’t new, but my love for them is. Some mornings I wake up and just lie still in the bed, growing more and more breathless as their songs increase. Throughout the day, I’ll pause - half disbelieving. It’s as though someone is piping bird calls directly into my house. I feel like a Who.

    I mention the birds to hubby, and my family across the street, but no one else seems to be thinking about them. Further investigation is needed, but through online research of photography and mp3 files, I believe that we are surrounded by warblers, brown creepers, robins, chickadees, wonderful winter wrens, a small number of blue jays, and a handful of hummingbirds. And possibly sparrows. Previously, they were to me, “chit chit” birds, “swee” birds,” “trilling,” and “weow whistling” birds.  If I even thought that far. I am keeping my ears open for a meadowlark, though I think I may have to venture to a nearby forest for that one.

    As both a city girl and a woman who operates almost entirely at the conscious level, I have no real notion of what all this “signifies,” if anything. I’ll continue to explore this interest … until its prominence in my mind wanes or leads to something more. It is really strange to think you know yourself, only to be possessed in this way.

     

    *photo of Winter Wren, from the Wake Robin Learning Center at NWNature.net.

     

     

     

    Popularity: 49% [?]

    Mar

    16

    No More Saint Patty’s Day for Me

    Filed Under people, small happinesses | 7 Comments

    For many years, in recognition of St. Patty’s Day, I’d wear something green. One year I even wore a Kiss Me, I’m Irish shirt, which I’d planned to insert “1/32nd” into.

    It was my one little thing to acknowledge the one non slave owning white ancestor I knew about. But alas, I recently learned I’m NOT 1/32nd Irish - I’m 1/32nd Scottish.

    Ack! My mortal enemies! (j/k)

    Do the Scots even have a day? I dunno. So I guess I’ll just say, “Uhh, thanks, great-great grandpa Daniel and great-great grandma Mary Jane … for getting hitched and having lovely and feisty daughters, one of whom went on to raise my grumpy late grandfather, who produced my amazing Mom - without whom I would not exist (or blog).”

    (I pay homage to my Jamaican roots more frequently throughout the year.)

    But I don’t have to give up on March 17 entirely; it’s also my mother’s birthday. She’ll be 50 tomorrow!

    Happy Birthday, Mama! I love you sooo much. And you look great! Have fun at the hot springs tomorrow!

    Popularity: 35% [?]

    Feb

    3

    Today’s Black Pride Moment

    Filed Under being creative, from the heart, lil things, local, small happinesses | 6 Comments

    What’s the most awesome thing about being Black? I could totally wear this hat.

    Woman's Kufi (Crown)
    Now, maybe I won’t get hired for a job while wearing it. But I’d probably get a lot of compliments at the health food store from envious not-Black Portlanders. It’s not so much the aesthetic (and I’m more of a caftan girl myself), it’s about having the guts.

    *Photo courtesy of Wilsdom African Designs, at Wilsdom.com.

    Popularity: 33% [?]

    Dec

    19

    Purple, Seahorses - What Next?

    Filed Under lil things, new things, small happinesses | 3 Comments

    I don’t know what’s up with my unconscious mind these days. First, out of nowhere, it was the fondness for seahorses; now, it’s a new color.

    I have never, ever been a fan of the color purple. Or lavender. Or plum. I don’t even like grape juice. But last week I went to the Buffalo Exchange (a used clothing store chain) and picked up a few “new” shirts. Several days later as I was looking for earrings to match, it dawned on me that of the four new shirts, two were purple. One is entirely purple, and the other has purple all throughout. This seemed odd to me, and I even mentioned it to the LH and a friend. Out shopping again with a gift card left over from my birthday, I picked up a new shirt that I had to have. A few hours later, it caught my eye as I sat on the sofa, and I realized it was also purple!

    And then I was at Ten Thousand Villages for Christmas shopping, and came upon a glittery necklace that I absolutely had to have! As I looked for matching earrings it occurred to me that I was looking at purple earrings. Eww! But I’m wearing them right now.

    What on earth is going on?!

    Of all the colors … purple. The only colors I disliked more were pink and the bright neons. You think you know yourself ….

    I hope my personality isn’t splitting on me.

    Popularity: 19% [?]

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