The Better Half

Filed Under friends, from the heart, plans, small happinesses, solitude | 1 Comment

Personally, I’m pleased with the transition to autumn, but I’m concerned for several of my friends and relations, who find the shorter, overcast days and drizzle hard to bear. This Fall I need to step up my game as a friend who extends herself. Normally the wintry months depress me, too, but this year feels very different.

I’m looking forward to being home this season, reading, cooking, sitting by the (gas) fire, sorting out the unnecessary aspects of my life, framing photos, decorating for the holidays - in a word, homemaking. And there’s also the new activities: climbing the rock wall at the gym - which scared me so much at first!, stepping to Dance Dance Revolution (now for the Wii), and writing in groups. Right now is a comfortable time. And for the first time in many years, I feel no anxiety about any of this because, even though I’ll be doing most of it on my own (with the exception of DDR), I know the LH will be around, going through his motions while I go through mine.

Not very long ago, when I was single, and would cry myself to sleep at night because it seemed there was simply no one for me - I promised myself that if by some miracle my fortune should change, I’d never forget what that felt like.

Looking back, I’m still astonished at how quickly things did change. The cliche about love showing up “when you least expect it” turned out to be true in my case, and what once felt hopeless suddenly was real. I became one half of a couple! I still remember clearly how it was before, but it’s like remembering my childhood. My heart feels like it’s passed through a lot of places since then.

Recently I had lunch with a friend who was feeling particularly down about not being coupled - I describe it as “not being anyone’s Number One” - and I started to feel a little panicky. Who did I know that would be good for her? She should be snatched up already! She’s clearly so awesome! I should have more single male friends!? I should throw some parties! And so on. But when I looked at her, I recognized her expression. There was nothing I could do right then to make her have a lover or boyfriend or husband; all I could do was spend time with her and remind her that she was wonderful, adorable, and fun to be with. And that her being those things wasn’t because I said so, nor were they dependent on anyone else’s say so - she just was, even though not all the right people know it yet.

What can you do? I’ll leave the matchmaking to great people like Patti Novak. I’ll continue to learn to be a good friend, helped along by the insights of the LH, who patiently aids me in eliminating “should” from my psychological vocabulary. I will throw some of my not-signature, mild-mannered parties. And pick up the phone more. And be attentive. When times are good at home, it’s easy to feel self-sufficient, let days slide by, and see my friends less. But I want to be like those people who pray even more when life is wonderful and they want for nothing.

Popularity: 22% [?]

Feb

28

Big World

Filed Under life changes, solitude | 4 Comments

February is ending; it’s been a month of opportunities and stress. I’ve started a new business, accepted a marriage proposal, and lots of changes in my work. I am physically exhausted, with a sinus headache going on day three. This is truly one of those times when a universal “pause” button would be nice to have. I know that what’s on my plate right now is nothing compared to what others are dealing with; nonetheless, I’m feeling overwhelmed.

The other night I was at a friend’s house watching the Oscars, and there was one segment in particular that I liked for sentimental reasons: a montage of renowned foreign language films from the last 50 years. I’d seen many of the featured films, and was suddenly reminded of how satisfying they were, and how few foreign films I’ve seen in the last year, and how much films used to be a part of my life. These days, I’m too busy doing other things, and have far less “alone” time. It used to be that I’d go to the cinema three or four times a week, and watch whatever sounded interesting from the film journals. There were no apologies or explanations or negotiations. There was never a need to find that “common denominator” movie that everyone was willing to see. And I never had to defend my opinion of a movie when it was over.

I miss that. Back in the day I wanted desperately to have more friends, or a sweetheart to go to the movies with. But it was a real gift to be able to develop my taste in cinema on my own.

Maybe it’s because of all that’s been going on in my life lately, but in those few minutes of watching that montage, I longed for my world to be so small again; for the ability to escape my life so completely just by settling down in front of an art-house drama.

Circumstances have changed dramatically - which is exciting! And I’m learning many things. Nevertheless, I want to reintroduce a few of my old habits, like watching really deep movies by myself. While that was something I started doing out of necessity, at some point it became something I need to do (once in a while) to feel like me.

Popularity: 11% [?]

May

30

I Renounced the Blessed Face

Filed Under books, from the heart, local, quotes, solitude, spiritual practice | Leave a Comment

I am currently reading Karen Armstrong’s memoir, The Spiral Staircase (see sidebar for link), and it is deeply moving me. Although this book is about her life after seven years in a Catholic convent, so many details about her transition into the secular world are familiar to me. So many things.

Like so many of Tennyson’s people, I too longed to join in the vibrant life that was going on all around me, but found myself compelled to withdraw by forces that I did not understand.

I remember clearly the awkwardness, the loneliness, the dreadful sensation of having nothing to do with the world, mental anguish … the disembodiment of one’s spirit.

Interestingly, I have had spiritual experiences in Catholic sacred spaces, and I do not know why. Armstrong writes that several years after leaving the convent, she had still never had a “consolation” - never heard God speak to her. Does it make sense to say that I don’t believe in “God” and yet believe some voice did speak to me more than once in those crumbling churches and empty sanctuaries? What was it that spoke to me?

Yesterday I visited one of my favorite places in Portland, The Grotto. I went with a friend who was visiting from out of town, but normally I go by myself. It is more than just a park. It is a place of devotion.

I’ve long felt the need for a new devotion. I miss that aspect of being religious; however, I must be careful. I don’t want to become some type of A-holic, possessed to endlessly consume and acquire more and more.

(photo by Elandria; statue at the Grotto. 2006)

Popularity: 9% [?]